Two posts in one night... is this how I am going to live forever??
Overwhelming sadness, comes in waves. One moment I'm fine and the next I'm drowning... I can't breathe. Can't think. How can I miss someone SO much that hurt me to the bone? How can I still love someone who was unfaithful to me and lied to me for so long and then walked out on our family?! I am so mad at myself. I feel so weak! I don't know how to get through this. I just want to talk to him so badly. When I'm sad, or scared, or worried I talk to Pat. It is what I have done for over the last decade. How do I stop that? Who do I turn to? Sure, I have family and friends, but Pat was part of me. I just keep thinking. Where is he? What is he doing? I imagine him laying in bed beside HER sleeping. It knocks the wind out of me. How could he just walk out? Give up? Am I not worth trying for?
I hate my brain. I can't stop the "WHY??" and "I MISS HIM". Its on rotate in my head and won't stop. I just want my family back. I just want my husband. My best friend. My other half. How in the world am I supposed to continue on with half of me missing??? I'm sick of telling myself I will be fine. I don't feel fine. I don't feel like I will ever be fine. I don't want to be fine. I just want my life back.
I'm trying to be strong for Mia. Constantly apologizing to her. Why didn't he ask how she was today, or ask for a picture of her?! How can he just not care? Not ask? I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I just want to hold my precious little girl and never get up. But when I sleep, he haunts me. Every dream is about him. I wake up and he's the first thing I think of. I hate it. I hate that I can't see a week into my future. A month. I have no clue what my life will be. I know it's not my decision, but I would like some say, an idea.
I don't want to be single. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to love someone else. He promised to love me forever. Forever and Always. He promised. How can he just change his mind? How does that work because I want to know!!! I can't take the pain. How do I survive this? I just want him to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Our last physical contact was in the car. His arm around me, a kiss on my forehead. I didn't get to say goodbye. Should I have stayed and fought harder instead of just leaving to go pick her up? Would it have made any difference? Could I have done anything to prevent this, stop this from happening? Was this already laid out in the stars to be this way. Just under 14 years and then BAM, DONE? What is the point. Why let me love someone so much if you are just going to take them away??
How do I explain to my daughter why her Daddy left us?? Left us when she was just 2 years old. Left us after we waited so long for her to get here. After all we had been through? What was the point in all of the struggle? To make me stronger?? I feel like the breeze could knock me down and I would never get up.
I don't feel strong. I'm so sick of being told I am. I don't feel like this is ever going to be ok, because it's not. You can't live with half of you missing. It's impossible. I'm so sick of being told not to dwell, to keep moving forward. I don't want to move forward. I want to wait for him. I want him to know I will always be here and will always love him.
How the hell do I go from being Mrs. Patrick Cleckley to no one?
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Changed Forever
Well.... 5 days ago, my life changed forever. For the first time in 14 years, I am single. I don't want to be, I did everything to prevent it, and my heart is shattered.
We went to our 2nd appointment in Marriage Counseling on Wednesday. He was not talkative at all. He said the main reason he was staying was because of Mia, and the main issue he had with making a decision either way is that he 'didn't want to lose his best friend'. Which, after asking, I found out was me.
I walked into counseling with hope and walked out broken. We went to the car and I said to him, "Ok, I'm your best friend, talk to me like I am." He hesitated, looked out the window and meekly said, "I want out". I felt like the world stopped. I got angry. I cried. I questioned. We drove home in silence except for me sobbing. We got to the house and he tried to help me out of the car. I was so upset, I just said, "Stop trying to be nice to me!". He walked into the house. I just sat there. What was I going to do?? He had promised me that he would never try to take Mia from me, that if we needed to move elsewhere, he wouldn't stop us. But how would I live without him?? Just then, I realized, How would Mia live without him?! I had to go get her. I got in the drivers seat, beeped the horn and he came out. I told him I was going to get our daughter and I left. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see him.
When I arrived "Home" 30 minutes later, he was gone. The doors were all shut, garage was unlocked and key was gone. There was a pile of clothes and his bookbag missing from the dining room table where he had just folded clothes the night before. I went upstairs and his laptop was gone, as was the body wash I had bought him that morning with a tag on it that said: "Love always, your wife".
I didn't even know what to do. I ran back to the car, called Carri and just started driving. There was no note, no goodbye, no explanation. How? How after all of these years can he just turn around and not look back? How can he leave me.... leave Mia???
The rest of the week went like a blur. Friday I went to work. I don't know how I mustered up the strength. Mia had a playdate, she left at 5pm. After that, I don't know if it was because I was alone, or what, but all the strength I had to NOT call or text him went out the window. I emailed him.... "This has been the longest we have ever gone without talking, I am dying inside". I received an instant response, "I'm sorry". We went back and forth a couple of times. I then said, "I want in writing what you promised me, that you would never take Mia away". He said.... "Type it up and I will sign it." My heart, that I thought could not hurt anymore, fell out of my body. How could he just say that? This is his little girl. We waited 10 years for her. I couldn't breathe. I logged out of work. I couldn't answer one more stupid call. I had to get air. The rest of the night was spent talking to Nikki, Carri, Mom, crying and sobbing.
Finally, I got angry. I called Katie, asked her to have someone change the locks. I started packing his stuff. I found out that while he was emailing me, he was texting Carri. He wanted to know when I wouldn't be home so he could come get some stuff. She told me that and I told him that I will pack for him and he can pick it up. So that's what I did. Carri came over for the 3rd night in a row (my angel) and helped me put it on the porch.
She texted him, he didn't respond. I texted him and emailed him. No response. Strange, every time I texted him, he responded right away. Now mind you, I have only texted him for Phone/Bill stuff. Not for anything else. I was very proud of my strength.
So I left the stuff out there all night. I turned off the porch light so no weirdos would come by. It was still there in the morning. At about 8am, he texted me. Apologized, he left his phone behind when he went to work. He would have to get a ride, but would be over about 9a if that was ok with me. I said sure. I let him know the locks were being changed, so to not be surprised. He seemed, shocked. I asked him what I was supposed to do, he left me with a baby and no house keys. He apologized again and said, "I didn't think, I didn't think about a lot of things."
He came at 915a. I saw her jeep and slammed the door and texted him that she was not to set foot on my driveway. I ran upstairs and sat with Mia. About 8 min later, I got courage enough to look out the window and see he was gone.
Then my phone rang. We talked for about 40 minutes. He sounded like Pat. How was I SO blind that I didn't see how unhappy my husband was?? My heart just kept breaking more and more. I assured him that I would never keep Mia from him and he assured me that he would sign the papers for me to have full custody. I told him that once he was settled in his own place we could start visitation, because going back and forth now, will be too much for her lil brain and heart. He agreed. He didn't want to do anything else to hurt either of us more.
So the last 2 days. UGH. Saturday, was calm and clear. Until the evening, that's when the sadness hit and only increased since then. Today was SO bad. I think Mia and I just laid in bed and watched cartoons all morning. She loved it, I felt like the suckiest mom ever. So I got up and started cleaning a little, dusting and putting my dresser back together. That's when I found his wedding rings. I will never forget that feeling.
By the end of the night, I was just trying to forget. I cooked dinner, A REAL dinner. Which Mia just rubbed in her hair and then asked for Cheerios. Then I cleaned the closet out. 3 bags of trash later and all the clothes put away. I found myself saying again... I MISS HIM.
That seems to be ALL I can say or think or feel!
I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND.
We went to our 2nd appointment in Marriage Counseling on Wednesday. He was not talkative at all. He said the main reason he was staying was because of Mia, and the main issue he had with making a decision either way is that he 'didn't want to lose his best friend'. Which, after asking, I found out was me.
I walked into counseling with hope and walked out broken. We went to the car and I said to him, "Ok, I'm your best friend, talk to me like I am." He hesitated, looked out the window and meekly said, "I want out". I felt like the world stopped. I got angry. I cried. I questioned. We drove home in silence except for me sobbing. We got to the house and he tried to help me out of the car. I was so upset, I just said, "Stop trying to be nice to me!". He walked into the house. I just sat there. What was I going to do?? He had promised me that he would never try to take Mia from me, that if we needed to move elsewhere, he wouldn't stop us. But how would I live without him?? Just then, I realized, How would Mia live without him?! I had to go get her. I got in the drivers seat, beeped the horn and he came out. I told him I was going to get our daughter and I left. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see him.
When I arrived "Home" 30 minutes later, he was gone. The doors were all shut, garage was unlocked and key was gone. There was a pile of clothes and his bookbag missing from the dining room table where he had just folded clothes the night before. I went upstairs and his laptop was gone, as was the body wash I had bought him that morning with a tag on it that said: "Love always, your wife".
I didn't even know what to do. I ran back to the car, called Carri and just started driving. There was no note, no goodbye, no explanation. How? How after all of these years can he just turn around and not look back? How can he leave me.... leave Mia???
The rest of the week went like a blur. Friday I went to work. I don't know how I mustered up the strength. Mia had a playdate, she left at 5pm. After that, I don't know if it was because I was alone, or what, but all the strength I had to NOT call or text him went out the window. I emailed him.... "This has been the longest we have ever gone without talking, I am dying inside". I received an instant response, "I'm sorry". We went back and forth a couple of times. I then said, "I want in writing what you promised me, that you would never take Mia away". He said.... "Type it up and I will sign it." My heart, that I thought could not hurt anymore, fell out of my body. How could he just say that? This is his little girl. We waited 10 years for her. I couldn't breathe. I logged out of work. I couldn't answer one more stupid call. I had to get air. The rest of the night was spent talking to Nikki, Carri, Mom, crying and sobbing.
Finally, I got angry. I called Katie, asked her to have someone change the locks. I started packing his stuff. I found out that while he was emailing me, he was texting Carri. He wanted to know when I wouldn't be home so he could come get some stuff. She told me that and I told him that I will pack for him and he can pick it up. So that's what I did. Carri came over for the 3rd night in a row (my angel) and helped me put it on the porch.
She texted him, he didn't respond. I texted him and emailed him. No response. Strange, every time I texted him, he responded right away. Now mind you, I have only texted him for Phone/Bill stuff. Not for anything else. I was very proud of my strength.
So I left the stuff out there all night. I turned off the porch light so no weirdos would come by. It was still there in the morning. At about 8am, he texted me. Apologized, he left his phone behind when he went to work. He would have to get a ride, but would be over about 9a if that was ok with me. I said sure. I let him know the locks were being changed, so to not be surprised. He seemed, shocked. I asked him what I was supposed to do, he left me with a baby and no house keys. He apologized again and said, "I didn't think, I didn't think about a lot of things."
He came at 915a. I saw her jeep and slammed the door and texted him that she was not to set foot on my driveway. I ran upstairs and sat with Mia. About 8 min later, I got courage enough to look out the window and see he was gone.
Then my phone rang. We talked for about 40 minutes. He sounded like Pat. How was I SO blind that I didn't see how unhappy my husband was?? My heart just kept breaking more and more. I assured him that I would never keep Mia from him and he assured me that he would sign the papers for me to have full custody. I told him that once he was settled in his own place we could start visitation, because going back and forth now, will be too much for her lil brain and heart. He agreed. He didn't want to do anything else to hurt either of us more.
So the last 2 days. UGH. Saturday, was calm and clear. Until the evening, that's when the sadness hit and only increased since then. Today was SO bad. I think Mia and I just laid in bed and watched cartoons all morning. She loved it, I felt like the suckiest mom ever. So I got up and started cleaning a little, dusting and putting my dresser back together. That's when I found his wedding rings. I will never forget that feeling.
By the end of the night, I was just trying to forget. I cooked dinner, A REAL dinner. Which Mia just rubbed in her hair and then asked for Cheerios. Then I cleaned the closet out. 3 bags of trash later and all the clothes put away. I found myself saying again... I MISS HIM.
That seems to be ALL I can say or think or feel!
I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Lonely Girl...Lonely World
So confused. No other way to describe this. We had a WONDERFUL date last night! I felt like I was 20 years old again. We dropped Mia off at the sitters and she didn't even cry. Went straight to Carly and didn't look back. We headed to the theater to see Jurassic Park 3D. Of course the film was broken so we went to deliberate on another film. It was between "The Host" a romantic, girly sci fi or "Olympus has Fallen", an action packed guys movie. Which one did he pick? The romantic one! WTH?!
The movie was good, we kissed like teenagers and then spent some extra time alone together before picking up Mia. She had a great time at the Springs', didn't even miss us, had to bribe her into the car with popcorn. Pat then took us out to dinner. We went for Mexican and it was so beautiful, we sat on the patio. After we came home, Mia had fallen asleep in the car, so we watched an episode of "Shameless" and then he went to talk to his manager about his insurance. In my head, however, he was going to see HER. I hate that my mind automatically goes there!!! He left straight from there to pick up mom from work.
He came straight home and brought up a couple of his beers and we decided to go lay in bed and watch SOA. I had already seen the whole season, so I just dozed off and on. A couple of times, I woke up and he wasn't there. I would call him and he was downstairs smoking or in the bathroom. I woke up beside him this morning and instantly smiled. Maybe we would be ok.
I sat down on the sofa with Mia and turned on some cartoons. Did my regular, checking Facebook and emails. There was a cryptic, drunken status update from my husband, from just 7 hours earlier. As I was sleeping, he was having these thoughts. Thoughts that he was happy and mad and in love and hate and so guilty he couldn't breathe! I felt as if I had been kicked in the chest, the wind was knocked out of me. How did that happen? How were we so fabulous 12 hours earlier and now this? I told Mia to sit tight and went into our bedroom, the room I have shared with him for 7 years, a room that I am suddenly always uncomfortable in, and woke him. I showed him my phone screen. He just looked at me. I asked the normal question, what do you feel guilty about?? He said he feels so guilty for sometimes thinking he wants out. He hates himself for it. I had to have asked him 10 times if he was sure that was all the guilt was about. If he was sure it wasn't because of someone else. He sticks to it. There is no one else. I just don't understand it. How can you just stop loving someone after 13 years??
He came into the playroom and talked to me for a while. He actually talked. That's a good sign. I asked him if he would go to the appt with me tomorrow at EAP with the counselor. He said yes without hesitation. That has to be a good sign, right? I switched the appt around and Carri *my rock* came over to chat. She followed me to take mom's car back. She tells me that she knows it will be ok. That he is changing and has changed since this all started, what, 3-4 weeks ago. How do I miss him so much and it's barely been a month. How do I do this for years if that is what it takes. How will I be that strong??
I can already feel myself breaking down. I haven't cleaned in weeks. The dishes are always dirty. I don't eat, so if Mia doesn't say something, I forget that she might be hungry. Or I will feed her twice in a row and not be able to figure out why she's not eating. I don't want to be like this. I would do ANYTHING to fix this. I am trying so hard. I have got to help him find a new job. I have to get the whispering home wrecker out of his ear. I can't make him stop being her friend, but there is NO way to fix this with her there.
Thinking of her makes me SO angry. Thinking of him talking to her about me makes me angry. Thinking of her pulling into MY driveway, and my husband getting in her car, makes me violently angry. I'm not giving up. She is not getting my husband. My soul mate. The father of MY child. Just because she couldn't keep her own husband, does not mean she gets mine. I will not let him go.
We belong together. We are Pat and Jess. Pat and Jess Cleckley. We are going to grow old together. We are going to be happy again....
The movie was good, we kissed like teenagers and then spent some extra time alone together before picking up Mia. She had a great time at the Springs', didn't even miss us, had to bribe her into the car with popcorn. Pat then took us out to dinner. We went for Mexican and it was so beautiful, we sat on the patio. After we came home, Mia had fallen asleep in the car, so we watched an episode of "Shameless" and then he went to talk to his manager about his insurance. In my head, however, he was going to see HER. I hate that my mind automatically goes there!!! He left straight from there to pick up mom from work.
He came straight home and brought up a couple of his beers and we decided to go lay in bed and watch SOA. I had already seen the whole season, so I just dozed off and on. A couple of times, I woke up and he wasn't there. I would call him and he was downstairs smoking or in the bathroom. I woke up beside him this morning and instantly smiled. Maybe we would be ok.
I sat down on the sofa with Mia and turned on some cartoons. Did my regular, checking Facebook and emails. There was a cryptic, drunken status update from my husband, from just 7 hours earlier. As I was sleeping, he was having these thoughts. Thoughts that he was happy and mad and in love and hate and so guilty he couldn't breathe! I felt as if I had been kicked in the chest, the wind was knocked out of me. How did that happen? How were we so fabulous 12 hours earlier and now this? I told Mia to sit tight and went into our bedroom, the room I have shared with him for 7 years, a room that I am suddenly always uncomfortable in, and woke him. I showed him my phone screen. He just looked at me. I asked the normal question, what do you feel guilty about?? He said he feels so guilty for sometimes thinking he wants out. He hates himself for it. I had to have asked him 10 times if he was sure that was all the guilt was about. If he was sure it wasn't because of someone else. He sticks to it. There is no one else. I just don't understand it. How can you just stop loving someone after 13 years??
He came into the playroom and talked to me for a while. He actually talked. That's a good sign. I asked him if he would go to the appt with me tomorrow at EAP with the counselor. He said yes without hesitation. That has to be a good sign, right? I switched the appt around and Carri *my rock* came over to chat. She followed me to take mom's car back. She tells me that she knows it will be ok. That he is changing and has changed since this all started, what, 3-4 weeks ago. How do I miss him so much and it's barely been a month. How do I do this for years if that is what it takes. How will I be that strong??
I can already feel myself breaking down. I haven't cleaned in weeks. The dishes are always dirty. I don't eat, so if Mia doesn't say something, I forget that she might be hungry. Or I will feed her twice in a row and not be able to figure out why she's not eating. I don't want to be like this. I would do ANYTHING to fix this. I am trying so hard. I have got to help him find a new job. I have to get the whispering home wrecker out of his ear. I can't make him stop being her friend, but there is NO way to fix this with her there.
Thinking of her makes me SO angry. Thinking of him talking to her about me makes me angry. Thinking of her pulling into MY driveway, and my husband getting in her car, makes me violently angry. I'm not giving up. She is not getting my husband. My soul mate. The father of MY child. Just because she couldn't keep her own husband, does not mean she gets mine. I will not let him go.
We belong together. We are Pat and Jess. Pat and Jess Cleckley. We are going to grow old together. We are going to be happy again....
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Scare Tactic
So, today Mia and I spent the morning on the sofa and then I decided, we had to GET OUT! We went to wash Mom's car since it was a beautiful day and then went and had a girls lunch outside at Sonic. We did a lil shopping at the dollar store and then went for a 'ride' and got lost. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack and thank God Mia was asleep. We finally made it home, close to 4pm and woke up Pat.
He seemed to be in an ok mood, but then suddenly grabbed his chest and arm. He said that he was not able to use his right arm. I was terrified. The thought of losing him, the tears in his eyes. I helped my husband get dressed, dressed him as if he was my 2 year old, and took him to the ER. By the time we got there, the sharpness of the pain was just as bad and he could barely walk. I got a wheelchair and Mia and I took him in, then I took Mia to her Gigi.
His EKG was clear and his bloodwork was fine. So, again, no answer to what it was. They gave him some meds to stop the pain as well as an Rx and we left. He was so sweet to me on the way home. Held my hand, called me baby quite a few times. Its funny how I notice these little things that he doesn't even realize he is doing. We picked up dinner and came home.
I had to log into work at 3am so I put Mia down a little after 10 and he went to run a muscle soak bath for himself. I sent my daily 'why I love you' and thanked him for sharing the blankets with me in the freezing ER. His response, "your welcome, go to sleep". I felt crushed. Am I imagining all of the good stuff?? I shouldn't have to ask my husband to tell me he loves me, right? As much as I may have not showed him physically how much I loved him. I made sure to tell him verbally and in other ways every day. I just don't know if I am making stuff that happens be more in my head than it is. It goes both ways too! He didn't call me on his break last night, so what did I instantly think? He didn't really work. He was at her house. I am SO trying to be cool about this, but Lord, how do I be strong when there is this nasty girl after him and other girls that are his friends?? Why can't he see or understand how much this is hurting me?? Maybe he does and the love is really just gone for him so it doesn't matter to him that I am dying inside.
I've found that as long as I don't think about "her" I am ok, for the most part. But the MOMENT my mind wanders, it is impossible to reign back in. Does he love her? Does he want her? Does he think about her when he is with me? My heart breaks just thinking it and typing it is sending me into another panic attack! He didn't go into work tonight, I think a good idea since we spent 4 hrs in the ER on a heart monitor. He is still awake. Just in the next room, watching SOA. I'm afraid he is using the show *as addictive as I know it is* as an excuse not to sleep in bed with me. I think we slept in the same bed last Monday. But I think that was the only time in the last 4 weeks!! I LOVE my new shift, but what if it makes things with us worse!?
I can't wait until my appointment this week. I hope it helps. I haven't spoken to a counselor/therapist since mom and dad split up over 20 years ago. I'm scared I will just bawl the WHOLE time. Then I go to see Dr. Gentry. I am PRAYING she refills my Klonopin. I have had it for like 3 months and still have almost a half bottle left, but I have really needed it these last few weeks.
I hate feeling like I can't speak to or touch my husband. I miss him more than I can even voice. I don't know how to get him back. I just keep praying and telling him daily why I love him. Sometimes it hurts SO much for that to not be reciprocated. I just want my life back!!
This was a very boring post... but I don't think anyone's eyes even look at it besides mine. Today, we are having a family day. We are taking Mia to Dan Nicholas Park and for a picnic. Fingers crossed. I have asked him about 4 times now if we could have a date on Monday night, but he just keeps avoiding the question. Then when I say something about not wanting to go, he just says, I never said that. Am I playing mind games with myself? UGH
GIVE ME STRENGTH!
He seemed to be in an ok mood, but then suddenly grabbed his chest and arm. He said that he was not able to use his right arm. I was terrified. The thought of losing him, the tears in his eyes. I helped my husband get dressed, dressed him as if he was my 2 year old, and took him to the ER. By the time we got there, the sharpness of the pain was just as bad and he could barely walk. I got a wheelchair and Mia and I took him in, then I took Mia to her Gigi.
His EKG was clear and his bloodwork was fine. So, again, no answer to what it was. They gave him some meds to stop the pain as well as an Rx and we left. He was so sweet to me on the way home. Held my hand, called me baby quite a few times. Its funny how I notice these little things that he doesn't even realize he is doing. We picked up dinner and came home.
I had to log into work at 3am so I put Mia down a little after 10 and he went to run a muscle soak bath for himself. I sent my daily 'why I love you' and thanked him for sharing the blankets with me in the freezing ER. His response, "your welcome, go to sleep". I felt crushed. Am I imagining all of the good stuff?? I shouldn't have to ask my husband to tell me he loves me, right? As much as I may have not showed him physically how much I loved him. I made sure to tell him verbally and in other ways every day. I just don't know if I am making stuff that happens be more in my head than it is. It goes both ways too! He didn't call me on his break last night, so what did I instantly think? He didn't really work. He was at her house. I am SO trying to be cool about this, but Lord, how do I be strong when there is this nasty girl after him and other girls that are his friends?? Why can't he see or understand how much this is hurting me?? Maybe he does and the love is really just gone for him so it doesn't matter to him that I am dying inside.
I've found that as long as I don't think about "her" I am ok, for the most part. But the MOMENT my mind wanders, it is impossible to reign back in. Does he love her? Does he want her? Does he think about her when he is with me? My heart breaks just thinking it and typing it is sending me into another panic attack! He didn't go into work tonight, I think a good idea since we spent 4 hrs in the ER on a heart monitor. He is still awake. Just in the next room, watching SOA. I'm afraid he is using the show *as addictive as I know it is* as an excuse not to sleep in bed with me. I think we slept in the same bed last Monday. But I think that was the only time in the last 4 weeks!! I LOVE my new shift, but what if it makes things with us worse!?
I can't wait until my appointment this week. I hope it helps. I haven't spoken to a counselor/therapist since mom and dad split up over 20 years ago. I'm scared I will just bawl the WHOLE time. Then I go to see Dr. Gentry. I am PRAYING she refills my Klonopin. I have had it for like 3 months and still have almost a half bottle left, but I have really needed it these last few weeks.
I hate feeling like I can't speak to or touch my husband. I miss him more than I can even voice. I don't know how to get him back. I just keep praying and telling him daily why I love him. Sometimes it hurts SO much for that to not be reciprocated. I just want my life back!!
This was a very boring post... but I don't think anyone's eyes even look at it besides mine. Today, we are having a family day. We are taking Mia to Dan Nicholas Park and for a picnic. Fingers crossed. I have asked him about 4 times now if we could have a date on Monday night, but he just keeps avoiding the question. Then when I say something about not wanting to go, he just says, I never said that. Am I playing mind games with myself? UGH
GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Holding on....
Here we are, Friday. My least favorite day because I have to go into the office. I have no clue what is going on in my home. I will go to work and just try to concentrate on that. I will feel like crying, I'm sure, once an hour at least. I will press on. I have a job to do, a family to support and a life to live. I just keep telling myself this.
Yesterday was a good day. Mia and I had fun watching movies and cuddling all day. I worked for 2 hrs while she napped. I woke my husband up at 7pm and though I was indescribably sad, I just remained strong. We ate dinner, yes I ate too, and watched some tv together. We talked a little, just about life. Work. Things like that. We hung out down to the minute he had to leave. He barely kissed me as he left, he was running late. Was that why? I don't know. I asked that he still had her pick him up for work here, if she was taking him to work. It just seems seedy and wrong for him to meet her at the end of the block. If she wants to be his friend, drive him to work, then she can have the guts to pull in my driveway. It was freezing rain last night, I didn't want him to walk. I wanted him to have that extra time with me that him having a ride allows. BUT, when he walked out that door and I saw her headlights, my heart felt like it was going to explode! I couldn't breathe. I wanted to bawl, but the tears wouldn't come. I just locked the door. Walked upstairs with MY daughter and put on Mickey Mouse. I texted my mom and my best friend and waited. Prayed. For 15 minutes until someone responded. I talked through it with Nik. I calmed down. I talked to mom. Calmed more. Mia and I read "Fox in Socks" and we both went to bed. I watched 2 episodes of Sons of Anarchy. He didn't call on his break, but he did text me.
He walked home this morning. Apparently everyone else got off and he was still working. It made me feel good that he walked home. Less time with her. I am SO jealous I can't stand myself. But I miss my husband. I miss his affection. Hugs. Holding hands. Kisses for no reason. All of the stuff I have overlooked for the past... I don't even know how many years. I long for him to grab my hand for no reason. Or to put his arm around me. Grab me and kiss me. I am so lonely. I live with a man, that I have known and loved for almost 14 years. I feel like we are strangers. I am afraid to reach out to him. Afraid he will reject me- push me away. Is this how he has felt since we had Mia? Maybe partially, but I still showed him every day that I loved him. I need that. I feel like I am suffocating under the pieces of my own broken heart. I don't know how to get through this.
Yesterday was a good day. Mia and I had fun watching movies and cuddling all day. I worked for 2 hrs while she napped. I woke my husband up at 7pm and though I was indescribably sad, I just remained strong. We ate dinner, yes I ate too, and watched some tv together. We talked a little, just about life. Work. Things like that. We hung out down to the minute he had to leave. He barely kissed me as he left, he was running late. Was that why? I don't know. I asked that he still had her pick him up for work here, if she was taking him to work. It just seems seedy and wrong for him to meet her at the end of the block. If she wants to be his friend, drive him to work, then she can have the guts to pull in my driveway. It was freezing rain last night, I didn't want him to walk. I wanted him to have that extra time with me that him having a ride allows. BUT, when he walked out that door and I saw her headlights, my heart felt like it was going to explode! I couldn't breathe. I wanted to bawl, but the tears wouldn't come. I just locked the door. Walked upstairs with MY daughter and put on Mickey Mouse. I texted my mom and my best friend and waited. Prayed. For 15 minutes until someone responded. I talked through it with Nik. I calmed down. I talked to mom. Calmed more. Mia and I read "Fox in Socks" and we both went to bed. I watched 2 episodes of Sons of Anarchy. He didn't call on his break, but he did text me.
He walked home this morning. Apparently everyone else got off and he was still working. It made me feel good that he walked home. Less time with her. I am SO jealous I can't stand myself. But I miss my husband. I miss his affection. Hugs. Holding hands. Kisses for no reason. All of the stuff I have overlooked for the past... I don't even know how many years. I long for him to grab my hand for no reason. Or to put his arm around me. Grab me and kiss me. I am so lonely. I live with a man, that I have known and loved for almost 14 years. I feel like we are strangers. I am afraid to reach out to him. Afraid he will reject me- push me away. Is this how he has felt since we had Mia? Maybe partially, but I still showed him every day that I loved him. I need that. I feel like I am suffocating under the pieces of my own broken heart. I don't know how to get through this.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Holding my breath....
How has it seriously been 4 months? Easily. Life has been crazy. In the last 2 weeks, my world has CRUMBLED around me. Before then, it was just blissfully going day to day. I was stupidly unaware of what was happening around me. Pat is still at his new job at Target. Still loves it. But now has developed a "friendship" with a woman he works with. I do not trust this friendship, it hurts me more than I could ever express. He will not let it go. I have considered leaving, but how do I walk away from the love of my life. My best friend. My child's father. My other half? I can't. I gave him an ultimatum. Worst case was he chose her. That didn't happen, but what did was no better. He would not choose at all. This left me feeling unimportant and worthless. I said alot, none that I regret. I told him that she was not his friend. That she had ulterior motives. That no one would ever love him and stand by him as I have. That I will always love him and while he moves on, I will never. Seem pathetic? It's the truth. As many times as this man has hurt me, he has been a wonderful husband and father. Almost 14 yrs and this is the only time anyone has wedged between us. I am trying to live day to day. The day of the ultimatum, I left. I packed a bag for my daughter and myself and I walked out the door. That was not a wise decision, but not a mistake. We needed that time to think. I needed that time to talk. Talk through my options, my heart, with my family. My mother and sister automatically pressed for me to leave, divorce. I did not want this. Nor do I now. I turned to his mother, my mother in law. She has been through this same experience too many times. She did not speak to me as a mother, or his mother, but as a woman. She shared with me her experiences, her wisdom through Christ. She told me to "go home". That is all I wanted to do and hear from anyone. I wanted to feel like someone supported me in what my heart longed for. My husband. She told me to be there for him, but distance myself. She told me to support him and trust him. She knew this would be hard, but she knows I can push through. She said that I have made him a better person. The man he was meant to be. This "friend" is not a woman, but a girl that is threatened by me and refuses to meet me. I know I need to hold onto my strength, myself, to hold on until he can see her for what she is and he can see us again.
I spoke to my stepmother as well. She said to me "I was the 'other woman', but when I came along, the marriage was over, the love was gone. If it wasn't, moving on wouldn't have been so easy for them both." Neither myself or Pat want to move on. Sometimes he says things that scare and confuse me. He keeps saying, he's "trying". I HATE to hear that. I want him to say, I am here. I am not going anywhere, I won't give up. I'm trying, sounds like he already failed. He shouldn't have to TRY to love his wife. I don't have to TRY to love him. I do have to try to forgive. We have lost our intimacy. Not just the physical connection, though we have lost that too, but the ability to talk about anything other than Mia. We lost the Pat and Jess in our family. We became Daddy and Momma and Pat and Jess just melted away. It didn't happen right away, but gradually. We stopped having date nights, and when we did, Mia went with us. I was so conflicted because I wanted to spend every moment with her. That is how I used to feel about him. How do we get that back? We can right? My stepmother told me that I need to tell him that I am uncomfortable with this "friend". I have. Now, all I can do, is to continue to BE his wife. Be his friend until he no longer needs her. What if this never happens?? What if she is ALWAYS a part of us? We had a good day yesterday, and this is what I woke up with.
So my next question is, how do I stop from thinking, from hurting all the time. I find myself turning to prayer. I have multiple short prayers that I have been repeating for strength, but what do I do when that doesn't work? I haven't figured that out yet. I know that by far, I am not the ONLY person to have gone through this. But right now, it feels that way. No one has ever hurt this much. I start counseling with a therapist in one week. Exactly. To the minute. I have been counting down because I just want help. I contacted our church last week and received some correspondence today, for marriage counseling with our Pastor. He told me he would go, but that was a week ago, what if he won't now? I'm scared to ask. I have gone from literally sharing everything with this man, to being terrified to speak to him. He is my best friend. It can't be possible that I am so scared to talk with him. But I am. I am scared he will say 'No', scared he will get upset/mad. When did I become such a wimp?!
My brain constantly runs away from me. That is the worst. It is making it that much harder to survive. I will think things such as, he's not really going to work, but going to spend time with her. Everytime he goes to the bathroom, I think he is texting her. I even think that he is just being nice now and staying because of Mia. That it has nothing to do with me or our marriage. That he is just faking it to make it. Is this normal? Am I completely irrational? Yes and Yes.
So here I am, taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Some hours are worse than others, some minutes I can't even catch my breath. But I must continue. I have a beautiful 2 year old that depends on me. So, when I get sad, which has been all day so far today, I just look at her face. I hug her. I tell her I love her. And all of the pain is worth it. Without him, I would not have her.
I will continue on. I will write when I'm sad or feel worthless and maybe, just maybe that will help.
I spoke to my stepmother as well. She said to me "I was the 'other woman', but when I came along, the marriage was over, the love was gone. If it wasn't, moving on wouldn't have been so easy for them both." Neither myself or Pat want to move on. Sometimes he says things that scare and confuse me. He keeps saying, he's "trying". I HATE to hear that. I want him to say, I am here. I am not going anywhere, I won't give up. I'm trying, sounds like he already failed. He shouldn't have to TRY to love his wife. I don't have to TRY to love him. I do have to try to forgive. We have lost our intimacy. Not just the physical connection, though we have lost that too, but the ability to talk about anything other than Mia. We lost the Pat and Jess in our family. We became Daddy and Momma and Pat and Jess just melted away. It didn't happen right away, but gradually. We stopped having date nights, and when we did, Mia went with us. I was so conflicted because I wanted to spend every moment with her. That is how I used to feel about him. How do we get that back? We can right? My stepmother told me that I need to tell him that I am uncomfortable with this "friend". I have. Now, all I can do, is to continue to BE his wife. Be his friend until he no longer needs her. What if this never happens?? What if she is ALWAYS a part of us? We had a good day yesterday, and this is what I woke up with.
So my next question is, how do I stop from thinking, from hurting all the time. I find myself turning to prayer. I have multiple short prayers that I have been repeating for strength, but what do I do when that doesn't work? I haven't figured that out yet. I know that by far, I am not the ONLY person to have gone through this. But right now, it feels that way. No one has ever hurt this much. I start counseling with a therapist in one week. Exactly. To the minute. I have been counting down because I just want help. I contacted our church last week and received some correspondence today, for marriage counseling with our Pastor. He told me he would go, but that was a week ago, what if he won't now? I'm scared to ask. I have gone from literally sharing everything with this man, to being terrified to speak to him. He is my best friend. It can't be possible that I am so scared to talk with him. But I am. I am scared he will say 'No', scared he will get upset/mad. When did I become such a wimp?!
My brain constantly runs away from me. That is the worst. It is making it that much harder to survive. I will think things such as, he's not really going to work, but going to spend time with her. Everytime he goes to the bathroom, I think he is texting her. I even think that he is just being nice now and staying because of Mia. That it has nothing to do with me or our marriage. That he is just faking it to make it. Is this normal? Am I completely irrational? Yes and Yes.
So here I am, taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Some hours are worse than others, some minutes I can't even catch my breath. But I must continue. I have a beautiful 2 year old that depends on me. So, when I get sad, which has been all day so far today, I just look at her face. I hug her. I tell her I love her. And all of the pain is worth it. Without him, I would not have her.
I will continue on. I will write when I'm sad or feel worthless and maybe, just maybe that will help.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
To show thanks...
Boy do I suck!! It has been over 2 months since I have last wrote anything. I am fully in the swing of being a full time working mom. I still hate it but I can pay my bills and was able to get my baby girl some Christmas gifts. That is a perk right!? Pat is LOVING his job. He has friends that are adults and he is doing an excellent job and impressing his bosses.
As December hit, I can't believe it is almost 2013. It has been 13 years since Pat and I became a couple. 7 1/2 years since we married. And now almost 2 years since the most amazing, beautiful miracle came into my life.
Mia Grace is thriving. The wait for her was so long and SO worth it! I love watching her grow and learn. She is so funny with her little personality. She has so much love in her heart and is never afraid to show it to those that love her. She gives smooches and hugs and rubs my back when I hold her. She loves to be read to and we do so ALL the time. This week she started answering questions either "no" or "cool". Apparently in her wondrous little mind, "cool" means "yes". I love it! I, of course, correct her with every "cool" response, "yes ma'am" and she repeats best she can, but I do love to hear "cool" often.
She loves her Grandma, my mom, and has decided much to her dismay, that her name is now Gigi. Mom hated this at first, but I do believe it has grown on her. A few weeks ago, we had a girls day, breakfast, shopping, fun... the whole time we were out, 'Gigi' sang part of a Taylor Swift song OVER and OVER! I wanted to slice my ears off, but my little girl caught on to it. Now, anytime ANYONE says or sings the words, "Never, ever, ever", Mia responds quickly: "GIGI?" Ha ha ha!
I have so much I am grateful for in this life. I have bad days and weeks with my anxiety but I have the most supportive husband and a daughter that lights up my life. I could not ask for more.
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