Overwhelmed...

Two posts in one night... is this how I am going to live forever??

Overwhelming sadness, comes in waves. One moment I'm fine and the next I'm drowning... I can't breathe. Can't think. How can I miss someone SO much that hurt me to the bone? How can I still love someone who was unfaithful to me and lied to me for so long and then walked out on our family?! I am so mad at myself. I feel so weak! I don't know how to get through this. I just want to talk to him so badly. When I'm sad, or scared, or worried I talk to Pat. It is what I have done for over the last decade. How do I stop that? Who do I turn to? Sure, I have family and friends, but Pat was part of me. I just keep thinking. Where is he? What is he doing? I imagine him laying in bed beside HER sleeping. It knocks the wind out of me. How could he just walk out? Give up? Am I not worth trying for?

I hate my brain. I can't stop the "WHY??" and "I MISS HIM". Its on rotate in my head and won't stop. I just want my family back. I just want my husband. My best friend. My other half. How in the world am I supposed to continue on with half of me missing??? I'm sick of telling myself I will be fine. I don't feel fine. I don't feel like I will ever be fine. I don't want to be fine. I just want my life back.

I'm trying to be strong for Mia. Constantly apologizing to her. Why didn't he ask how she was today, or ask for a picture of her?! How can he just not care? Not ask? I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I just want to hold my precious little girl and never get up. But when I sleep, he haunts me. Every dream is about him. I wake up and he's the first thing I think of. I hate it. I hate that I can't see a week into my future. A month. I have no clue what my life will be. I know it's not my decision, but I would like some say, an idea.

I don't want to be single. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to love someone else. He promised to love me forever. Forever and Always. He promised. How can he just change his mind? How does that work because I want to know!!! I can't take the pain. How do I survive this? I just want him to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Our last physical contact was in the car. His arm around me, a kiss on my forehead. I didn't get to say goodbye. Should I have stayed and fought harder instead of just leaving to go pick her up? Would it have made any difference? Could I have done anything to prevent this, stop this from happening? Was this already laid out in the stars to be this way. Just under 14 years and then BAM, DONE? What is the point. Why let me love someone so much if you are just going to take them away??

How do I explain to my daughter why her Daddy left us?? Left us when she was just 2 years old. Left us after we waited so long for her to get here. After all we had been through? What was the point in all of the struggle? To make me stronger?? I feel like the breeze could knock me down and I would never get up.

I don't feel strong. I'm so sick of being told I am. I don't feel like this is ever going to be ok, because it's not. You can't live with half of you missing. It's impossible. I'm so sick of being told not to dwell, to keep moving forward. I don't want to move forward. I want to wait for him. I want him to know I will always be here and will always love him.

How the hell do I go from being Mrs. Patrick Cleckley to no one?