Changed Forever

Well.... 5 days ago, my life changed forever. For the first time in 14 years, I am single. I don't want to be, I did everything to prevent it, and my heart is shattered.

We went to our 2nd appointment in Marriage Counseling on Wednesday. He was not talkative at all. He said the main reason he was staying was because of Mia, and the main issue he had with making a decision either way is that he 'didn't want to lose his best friend'. Which, after asking, I found out was me.

I walked into counseling with hope and walked out broken. We went to the car and I said to him, "Ok, I'm your best friend, talk to me like I am." He hesitated, looked out the window and meekly said, "I want out". I felt like the world stopped. I got angry. I cried. I questioned. We drove home in silence except for me sobbing. We got to the house and he tried to help me out of the car. I was so upset, I just said, "Stop trying to be nice to me!".  He walked into the house. I just sat there. What was I going to do?? He had promised me that he would never try to take Mia from me, that if we needed to move elsewhere, he wouldn't stop us. But how would I live without him?? Just then, I realized, How would Mia live without him?! I had to go get her. I got in the drivers seat, beeped the horn and he came out. I told him I was going to get our daughter and I left. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see him.

When I arrived "Home" 30 minutes later, he was gone. The doors were all shut, garage was unlocked and key was gone. There was a pile of clothes and his bookbag missing from the dining room table where he had just folded clothes the night before. I went upstairs and his laptop was gone, as was the body wash I had bought him that morning with a tag on it that said: "Love always, your wife".

I didn't even know what to do. I ran back to the car, called Carri and just started driving. There was no note, no goodbye, no explanation. How? How after all of these years can he just turn around and not look back? How can he leave me.... leave Mia???

The rest of the week went like a blur. Friday I went to work. I don't know how I mustered up the strength. Mia had a playdate, she left at 5pm. After that, I don't know if it was because I was alone, or what, but all the strength I had to NOT call or text him went out the window. I emailed him.... "This has been the longest we have ever gone without talking, I am dying inside". I received an instant response, "I'm sorry". We went back and forth a couple of times. I then said, "I want in writing what you promised me, that you would never take Mia away". He said.... "Type it up and I will sign it." My heart, that I thought could not hurt anymore, fell out of my body. How could he just say that? This is his little girl. We waited 10 years for her. I couldn't breathe. I logged out of work. I couldn't answer one more stupid call. I had to get air. The rest of the night was spent talking to Nikki, Carri, Mom, crying and sobbing.

Finally, I got angry. I called Katie, asked her to have someone change the locks. I started packing his stuff. I found out that while he was emailing me, he was texting Carri. He wanted to know when I wouldn't be home so he could come get some stuff. She told me that and I told him that I will pack for him and he can pick it up. So that's what I did. Carri came over for the 3rd night in a row (my angel) and helped me put it on the porch.

She texted him, he didn't respond. I texted him and emailed him. No response. Strange, every time I texted him, he responded right away. Now mind you, I have only texted him for Phone/Bill stuff. Not for anything else. I was very proud of my strength.

So I left the stuff out there all night. I turned off the porch light so no weirdos would come by. It was still there in the morning. At about 8am, he texted me. Apologized, he left his phone behind when he went to work. He would have to get a ride, but would be over about 9a if that was ok with me. I said sure. I let him know the locks were being changed, so to not be surprised. He seemed, shocked. I asked him what I was supposed to do, he left me with a baby and no house keys. He apologized again and said, "I didn't think, I didn't think about a lot of things."

He came at 915a. I saw her jeep and slammed the door and texted him that she was not to set foot on my driveway. I ran upstairs and sat with Mia. About 8 min later, I got courage enough to look out the window and see he was gone.

Then my phone rang. We talked for about 40 minutes. He sounded like Pat. How was I SO blind that I didn't see how unhappy my husband was?? My heart just kept breaking more and more. I assured him that I would never keep Mia from him and he assured me that he would sign the papers for me to have full custody. I told him that once he was settled in his own place we could start visitation, because going back and forth now, will be too much for her lil brain and heart. He agreed. He didn't want to do anything else to hurt either of us more.



So the last 2 days. UGH. Saturday, was calm and clear. Until the evening, that's when the sadness hit and only increased since then. Today was SO bad. I think Mia and I just laid in bed and watched cartoons all morning. She loved it, I felt like the suckiest mom ever. So I got up and started cleaning a little, dusting and putting my dresser back together. That's when I found his wedding rings. I will never forget that feeling.

By the end of the night, I was just trying to forget. I cooked dinner, A REAL dinner. Which Mia just rubbed in her hair and then asked for Cheerios. Then I cleaned the closet out. 3 bags of trash later and all the clothes put away. I found myself saying again... I MISS HIM.
That seems to be ALL I can say or think or feel!

I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND.