So, today Mia and I spent the morning on the sofa and then I decided, we had to GET OUT! We went to wash Mom's car since it was a beautiful day and then went and had a girls lunch outside at Sonic. We did a lil shopping at the dollar store and then went for a 'ride' and got lost. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack and thank God Mia was asleep. We finally made it home, close to 4pm and woke up Pat.
He seemed to be in an ok mood, but then suddenly grabbed his chest and arm. He said that he was not able to use his right arm. I was terrified. The thought of losing him, the tears in his eyes. I helped my husband get dressed, dressed him as if he was my 2 year old, and took him to the ER. By the time we got there, the sharpness of the pain was just as bad and he could barely walk. I got a wheelchair and Mia and I took him in, then I took Mia to her Gigi.
His EKG was clear and his bloodwork was fine. So, again, no answer to what it was. They gave him some meds to stop the pain as well as an Rx and we left. He was so sweet to me on the way home. Held my hand, called me baby quite a few times. Its funny how I notice these little things that he doesn't even realize he is doing. We picked up dinner and came home.
I had to log into work at 3am so I put Mia down a little after 10 and he went to run a muscle soak bath for himself. I sent my daily 'why I love you' and thanked him for sharing the blankets with me in the freezing ER. His response, "your welcome, go to sleep". I felt crushed. Am I imagining all of the good stuff?? I shouldn't have to ask my husband to tell me he loves me, right? As much as I may have not showed him physically how much I loved him. I made sure to tell him verbally and in other ways every day. I just don't know if I am making stuff that happens be more in my head than it is. It goes both ways too! He didn't call me on his break last night, so what did I instantly think? He didn't really work. He was at her house. I am SO trying to be cool about this, but Lord, how do I be strong when there is this nasty girl after him and other girls that are his friends?? Why can't he see or understand how much this is hurting me?? Maybe he does and the love is really just gone for him so it doesn't matter to him that I am dying inside.
I've found that as long as I don't think about "her" I am ok, for the most part. But the MOMENT my mind wanders, it is impossible to reign back in. Does he love her? Does he want her? Does he think about her when he is with me? My heart breaks just thinking it and typing it is sending me into another panic attack! He didn't go into work tonight, I think a good idea since we spent 4 hrs in the ER on a heart monitor. He is still awake. Just in the next room, watching SOA. I'm afraid he is using the show *as addictive as I know it is* as an excuse not to sleep in bed with me. I think we slept in the same bed last Monday. But I think that was the only time in the last 4 weeks!! I LOVE my new shift, but what if it makes things with us worse!?
I can't wait until my appointment this week. I hope it helps. I haven't spoken to a counselor/therapist since mom and dad split up over 20 years ago. I'm scared I will just bawl the WHOLE time. Then I go to see Dr. Gentry. I am PRAYING she refills my Klonopin. I have had it for like 3 months and still have almost a half bottle left, but I have really needed it these last few weeks.
I hate feeling like I can't speak to or touch my husband. I miss him more than I can even voice. I don't know how to get him back. I just keep praying and telling him daily why I love him. Sometimes it hurts SO much for that to not be reciprocated. I just want my life back!!
This was a very boring post... but I don't think anyone's eyes even look at it besides mine. Today, we are having a family day. We are taking Mia to Dan Nicholas Park and for a picnic. Fingers crossed. I have asked him about 4 times now if we could have a date on Monday night, but he just keeps avoiding the question. Then when I say something about not wanting to go, he just says, I never said that. Am I playing mind games with myself? UGH
GIVE ME STRENGTH!
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