Here we are, Friday. My least favorite day because I have to go into the office. I have no clue what is going on in my home. I will go to work and just try to concentrate on that. I will feel like crying, I'm sure, once an hour at least. I will press on. I have a job to do, a family to support and a life to live. I just keep telling myself this.
Yesterday was a good day. Mia and I had fun watching movies and cuddling all day. I worked for 2 hrs while she napped. I woke my husband up at 7pm and though I was indescribably sad, I just remained strong. We ate dinner, yes I ate too, and watched some tv together. We talked a little, just about life. Work. Things like that. We hung out down to the minute he had to leave. He barely kissed me as he left, he was running late. Was that why? I don't know. I asked that he still had her pick him up for work here, if she was taking him to work. It just seems seedy and wrong for him to meet her at the end of the block. If she wants to be his friend, drive him to work, then she can have the guts to pull in my driveway. It was freezing rain last night, I didn't want him to walk. I wanted him to have that extra time with me that him having a ride allows. BUT, when he walked out that door and I saw her headlights, my heart felt like it was going to explode! I couldn't breathe. I wanted to bawl, but the tears wouldn't come. I just locked the door. Walked upstairs with MY daughter and put on Mickey Mouse. I texted my mom and my best friend and waited. Prayed. For 15 minutes until someone responded. I talked through it with Nik. I calmed down. I talked to mom. Calmed more. Mia and I read "Fox in Socks" and we both went to bed. I watched 2 episodes of Sons of Anarchy. He didn't call on his break, but he did text me.
He walked home this morning. Apparently everyone else got off and he was still working. It made me feel good that he walked home. Less time with her. I am SO jealous I can't stand myself. But I miss my husband. I miss his affection. Hugs. Holding hands. Kisses for no reason. All of the stuff I have overlooked for the past... I don't even know how many years. I long for him to grab my hand for no reason. Or to put his arm around me. Grab me and kiss me. I am so lonely. I live with a man, that I have known and loved for almost 14 years. I feel like we are strangers. I am afraid to reach out to him. Afraid he will reject me- push me away. Is this how he has felt since we had Mia? Maybe partially, but I still showed him every day that I loved him. I need that. I feel like I am suffocating under the pieces of my own broken heart. I don't know how to get through this.
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