Holding my breath....

How has it seriously been 4 months? Easily. Life has been crazy. In the last 2 weeks, my world has CRUMBLED around me. Before then, it was just blissfully going day to day. I was stupidly unaware of what was happening around me. Pat is still at his new job  at Target. Still loves it. But now has developed a "friendship" with a woman he works with. I do not trust this friendship, it hurts me more than I could ever express. He will not let it go. I have considered leaving, but how do I walk away from the love of my life. My best friend. My child's father. My other half? I can't. I gave him an ultimatum. Worst case was he chose her. That didn't happen, but what did was no better. He would not choose at all. This left me feeling unimportant and worthless. I said alot, none that I regret. I told him that she was not his friend. That she had ulterior motives. That no one would ever love him and stand by him as I have. That I will always love him and while he moves on, I will never. Seem pathetic? It's the truth. As many times as this man has hurt me, he has been a wonderful husband and father. Almost 14 yrs and this is the only time anyone has wedged between us. I am trying to live day to day. The day of the ultimatum, I left. I packed a bag for my daughter and myself and I walked out the door. That was not a wise decision, but not a mistake. We needed that time to think. I needed that time to talk. Talk through my options, my heart, with my family. My mother and sister automatically pressed for me to leave, divorce. I did not want this. Nor do I now. I turned to his mother, my mother in law. She has been through this same experience too many times. She did not speak to me as a mother, or his mother, but as a woman. She shared with me her experiences, her wisdom through Christ. She told me to "go home". That is all I wanted to do and hear from anyone. I wanted to feel like someone supported me in what my heart longed for. My husband. She told me to be there for him, but distance myself. She told me to support him and trust him. She knew this would be hard, but she knows I can push through. She said that I have made him a better person. The man he was meant to be. This "friend" is not a woman, but a girl that is threatened by me and refuses to meet me. I know I need to hold onto my strength, myself, to hold on until he can see her for what she is and he can see us again.

I spoke to my stepmother as well. She said to me "I was the 'other woman', but when I came along, the marriage was over, the love was gone. If it wasn't, moving on wouldn't have been so easy for them both."  Neither myself or Pat want to move on. Sometimes he says things that scare and confuse me. He keeps saying, he's "trying". I HATE to hear that. I want him to say, I am here. I am not going anywhere, I won't give up. I'm trying, sounds like he already failed. He shouldn't have to TRY to love his wife. I don't have to TRY to love him. I do have to try to forgive. We have lost our intimacy. Not just the physical connection, though we have lost that too, but the ability to talk about anything other than Mia. We lost the Pat and Jess in our family. We became Daddy and Momma and Pat and Jess just melted away. It didn't happen right away, but gradually. We stopped having date nights, and when we did, Mia went with us. I was so conflicted because I wanted to spend every moment with her. That is how I used to feel about him. How do we get that back? We can right? My stepmother told me that I need to tell him that I am uncomfortable with this "friend". I have. Now, all I can do, is to continue to BE his wife. Be his friend until he no longer needs her. What if this never happens?? What if she is ALWAYS a part of us? We had a good day yesterday, and this is what I woke up with.

So my next question is, how do I stop from thinking, from hurting all the time. I find myself turning to prayer. I have multiple short prayers that I have been repeating for strength, but what do I do when that doesn't work? I haven't figured that out yet. I know that by far, I am not the ONLY person to have gone through this. But right now, it feels that way. No one has ever hurt this much. I start counseling with a therapist in one week. Exactly. To the minute. I have been counting down because I just want help. I contacted our church last week and received some correspondence today, for marriage counseling with our Pastor. He told me he would go, but that was a week ago, what if he won't now? I'm scared to ask.  I have gone from literally sharing everything with this man, to being terrified to speak to him. He is my best friend. It can't be possible that I am so scared to talk with him. But I am. I am scared he will say 'No', scared he will get upset/mad. When did I become such a wimp?!

My brain constantly runs away from me. That is the worst. It is making it that much harder to survive. I will think things such as, he's not really going to work, but going to spend time with her. Everytime he goes to the bathroom, I think he is texting her. I even think that he is just being nice now and staying because of Mia. That it has nothing to do with me or our marriage. That he is just faking it to make it. Is this normal? Am I completely irrational? Yes and Yes.

So here I am, taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Some hours are worse than others, some minutes I can't even catch my breath. But I must continue. I have a beautiful 2 year old that depends on me. So, when I get sad, which has been all day so far today, I just look at her face. I hug her. I tell her I love her. And all of the pain is worth it. Without him, I would not have her.

I will continue on. I will write when I'm sad or feel worthless and maybe, just maybe that will help.