The movie was good, we kissed like teenagers and then spent some extra time alone together before picking up Mia. She had a great time at the Springs', didn't even miss us, had to bribe her into the car with popcorn. Pat then took us out to dinner. We went for Mexican and it was so beautiful, we sat on the patio. After we came home, Mia had fallen asleep in the car, so we watched an episode of "Shameless" and then he went to talk to his manager about his insurance. In my head, however, he was going to see HER. I hate that my mind automatically goes there!!! He left straight from there to pick up mom from work.
He came straight home and brought up a couple of his beers and we decided to go lay in bed and watch SOA. I had already seen the whole season, so I just dozed off and on. A couple of times, I woke up and he wasn't there. I would call him and he was downstairs smoking or in the bathroom. I woke up beside him this morning and instantly smiled. Maybe we would be ok.
I sat down on the sofa with Mia and turned on some cartoons. Did my regular, checking Facebook and emails. There was a cryptic, drunken status update from my husband, from just 7 hours earlier. As I was sleeping, he was having these thoughts. Thoughts that he was happy and mad and in love and hate and so guilty he couldn't breathe! I felt as if I had been kicked in the chest, the wind was knocked out of me. How did that happen? How were we so fabulous 12 hours earlier and now this? I told Mia to sit tight and went into our bedroom, the room I have shared with him for 7 years, a room that I am suddenly always uncomfortable in, and woke him. I showed him my phone screen. He just looked at me. I asked the normal question, what do you feel guilty about?? He said he feels so guilty for sometimes thinking he wants out. He hates himself for it. I had to have asked him 10 times if he was sure that was all the guilt was about. If he was sure it wasn't because of someone else. He sticks to it. There is no one else. I just don't understand it. How can you just stop loving someone after 13 years??
He came into the playroom and talked to me for a while. He actually talked. That's a good sign. I asked him if he would go to the appt with me tomorrow at EAP with the counselor. He said yes without hesitation. That has to be a good sign, right? I switched the appt around and Carri *my rock* came over to chat. She followed me to take mom's car back. She tells me that she knows it will be ok. That he is changing and has changed since this all started, what, 3-4 weeks ago. How do I miss him so much and it's barely been a month. How do I do this for years if that is what it takes. How will I be that strong??
I can already feel myself breaking down. I haven't cleaned in weeks. The dishes are always dirty. I don't eat, so if Mia doesn't say something, I forget that she might be hungry. Or I will feed her twice in a row and not be able to figure out why she's not eating. I don't want to be like this. I would do ANYTHING to fix this. I am trying so hard. I have got to help him find a new job. I have to get the whispering home wrecker out of his ear. I can't make him stop being her friend, but there is NO way to fix this with her there.
Thinking of her makes me SO angry. Thinking of him talking to her about me makes me angry. Thinking of her pulling into MY driveway, and my husband getting in her car, makes me violently angry. I'm not giving up. She is not getting my husband. My soul mate. The father of MY child. Just because she couldn't keep her own husband, does not mean she gets mine. I will not let him go.
We belong together. We are Pat and Jess. Pat and Jess Cleckley. We are going to grow old together. We are going to be happy again....
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